Pulled Back Into the Fire

I had my summer all planned out. It was going to be perfect- I was going to put everything I had into 4-H opportunities, be an amazing counselor at 4-H Camp, go on vacation with my family, then come home and be at State Fair for a week. It was literally going to be awesome- the best summer yet.

Of course, I had to make decisions. In order to do so much in 4-H, I had to give up something. That something was...

Youth group.

It wasn't really that hard of a decision. I don't fit in very well in my youth group and in order to be a counselor at 4-H Camp, I have to miss it every now and then due to conflicting meetings anyway.  Besides, the 4-H trip I was set on going on was the same week as Urban Hope (one of the main summer mission trips for highschoolers). It only made sense to just pull out a little more.

I still had to go to youth group on Wednesday nights. Knowing that I wasn't really involved and wasn't going to be during the summer made it hard to have a servants heart toward everyone there. I felt distant and tried not to care too much. "If I can just hold on a little longer," I told myself, "4-H will start again and that's where I feel accepted."

Of course I felt a little tug at my heart when one of my friends asked me if I would go on Urban Hope with her. Or when someone asked me if I would want to apply as a counselor at a church summer camp for middleschoolers. But I just couldn't. I had my summer planned out and feeling rejected and unimportant was not the way that I wanted to spend it. I was going to have fun this summer, and have fun my way. Or so I thought.

Then, this past week, I got a letter that threw a huge wrench into my plans. Suddenly I was staring at an empty summer, tears rolling down my face as all my careful planning fell in shambles around me. It's my own fault. I shouldn't have planned on things that weren't set in stone. Even though I knew it was true, I couldn't help but feel slightly bitter that this was happening.

My mom was extremely compassionate during all of this, giving me some time to myself. But after a while of my throwing my own little pity party, she turned into Edina Mode with her newspaper. "Cassandra, God is trying to teach you something through this. He makes all things for our good, remember? And look, maybe God wants you to go on a summer trip with church this summer-"

"No! I chose 4-H, not youth group!" It finally came out.

Her voice was still soft and gentle, but very firm. "Yes, you chose 4-H, but maybe God didn't. Maybe he doesn't want you to have the easy road out of this. Maybe you don't need 4-H, where you feel comfortable and important. Maybe you need to stop running from the hard things and embrace them, find out what God wants you to learn through it. Maybe God decided you needed to be pulled back in the refining fire."

Ouch ouch ouch. That wasn't what I wanted to hear at all, but it was what I needed. See, I think sometimes we can go through life being so super stubborn about what we want that it takes something drastic for God to show us that we're going the wrong way. I wanted out of the hurt, the pain, the uncomfortable awkwardness of youth group so much that I decided I knew what was best with my summer. (Just as a very important side note- My youth group is not awkward, painful, or exclusive. It was/is all my own selfish desires that caused/is causing my troubles at youth group, not anything that anyone there has done. So yeah, check out HSM Powell/ The Zone on Wednesday nights, 7:8:30. Great stuff happens there. :) ) The plain fact of the matter is, I DON'T but GOD DOES!

I still don't know exactly what's going to happen this summer. All I know is that God has got some pretty great plans in store and I'm super excited to see what He does.