Change.
I'm sitting here now wondering if I should open this can of worms or not. Is it worth it? Will I just be causing more trouble for myself by putting this out there for the world to read, devour, and tear apart?
Well, I think I've made my decision (I mean, this is posted right now, so I think you probably know what it is)- I'm gonna go for it.
When I think of change, I think of pain. I think of a dark place way outside my comfort zone where I'm alone. No one else is there and no one understands. Eventually, though, as the scene goes on, the sun comes out and I slowly become more comfortable, exploring my new surroundings. With the sun, broken bits of glass on the ground become rainbows of color. Under closer inspection, the cracked sidewalk has wild flowers bursting through to the world above. The scary, siren-like noise that had me covering my ears turns out to be people, laughing and conversing, and music playing. Eventually, when I open myself up to this new world, I enjoy it. I still miss the old world a little, but I become just as content to stay in my new environment. And then the scene shifts again...
This is a never ending cycle for me. I remember a few years ago, I was in this situation in a huge way. Mom had decided to send us to a co-op! (Very pathetic, I know. It was huge in my twelve year old mind, okay? Plus, I was an unsocialized homeschooler, very nerdy (still am), and I'd the one best friend I'd had my entire life was suddenly gone. Very turbulent time for me.) At this co-op, I knew one person, but I was convinced that I wasn't going to fit in. I remember secretly putting on make-up the first morning (thinking back, it must have looked horrible) and getting into a discussion about it with Mom when she found out. That first day at lunch, I didn't want to 'intrude' on the girls who already knew each other so I sat with my family. I geeked about the smallest things because I wanted to be known somehow. Four years later, Shema (my co-op) is my favorite part of the week. My best friends, the most trustworthy counselors and encouragers, are there. I have conversations with many of them throughout the week and they keep me accountable. I would not be where I am today without them. Without the change I would still be at home, unchallenged whatsoever. I shudder to think where I might have been.
So change is a good thing. I mean, think about it. Every good thing that's ever happened to you happened because something changed. (Woah. That's some deep Pinterest knowledge for ya.)
Now, looking forward, I see the peaceful, easy world that I live in now coming to an end. I'm sure I will glance back sometime in the far (okay, maybe not so far. A year or so.) future and laugh at my pathetic-ness about this. But right now, I'm afraid and I want things to stay the way they are. I sit here and try to convince myself that I have everything I need and want right here. Why would I want to uproot myself?
Well here's a question for my thick-headed self- WHY WOULDN'T I?!
That question is just as dumb as the other one, I'm realizing. Why would I be so afraid to give up my comfort if something better was coming? The answer is now simple to me- it's because I haven't given over everything to God. I'm not trusting God completely with everything. I hide in my comfort zone, telling Jesus that I love Him and will do anything for Him, but the moment He reaches to take what's rightfully His, I pull back.
And the crazy part is that I know it's only good that's coming. (Jeremiah 29:11, Romans 8:28) Why is it that I forget the good and only remember the bad? Why is it so hard to remember that God loves me and everything that happens will work for my good and for His glory? I think the whole issue comes back to trust. It's so easy to provide lip service of how much we trust Him, but when push comes to shove, do we? Do we love Him enough to give Him that trust, to hold onto what we have and the life we live so loosely that if He asks us to give up our comfort zone to follow Him, we will? If I don't readily give up my comfortable life here to move a mere hour away, what will I do if He calls me to serve Him far away in another country?
Luke 9:23 "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." Our comfort zone is part of ourselves- it's where we draw the line of what we feel is okay and what seems dangerous or different. This verse clearly says that if we want to follow Him, we have to deny ourselves. As painful and uncomfortable that sounds, that's what the Bible says.
Is your comfort zone holding you back? Are you keeping something from Jesus, the one that gave up everything in order to save you and give you a hope and a future? I know I can and on His strength, that will be fixed.
No comments:
Post a Comment