Not Just the Little Things

Sometimes, I think that the world is just spinning way too slowly.

Sometimes, I think that time is just creeping along, holding things I want just inches out of my grasp, dangling them in face my face just to taunt me. I think that if only it would go a little faster, if only it would sweep past those cold, uncomfortable moments, than life would be so much fuller and the dance would be smooth and full of beauty.

What are the awkward moments anyway, other than things that take away the joy of what we so often call the small things? A moment of stiff silence during an argument, the lull of nothing between the whirlwind of exciting activity, the pain of standing in a room of strangers wrapped up in their own adventures- nothing of any value. When those times come, all I want to do is creep into myself and wish that the time had a remote control. I tell myself I would skip over the fights, the pain, the tears, the heartbreak, even the boring moments. Those things are worthless, giving nothing.

But then they're gone.

All of them. You'd think joy would set in- my wish has come true. It's like a fairy tale. But it's not. There's still something achy, still some pain, but different. This time it's regret. Sad, still, quiet and achy regret. It's so easy to stare in wonder at all the things that you remember so well, so fondly gone. You realize that those moments you wanted to skip over made the coveted 'little moments' so joyful. Looking back, you learn the most from the times that at the moment, you consider mediocre. I think of the quote "Carpe Diem- Seize the Day." That doesn't mean to seize a part of the day. It doesn't mean to seize the hour or so of free time in the evening, the time to yourself. The little moments. The ones I like. It says to seize the day. The whole day. That's a beautiful thing.

Because someday, there won't be any more uncomfortable moments of silence during an argument with parents, because you live far apart or they just aren't here anymore. Someday, there will be no boring moments between social fun, and you will wish for a break. Someday, you'll realize how much you missed.

So why not realize that now? Why not seize the whole day?

Looking back, those awkward things are the things that make the most beautiful moments of all so beautiful, and they'll be gone way too fast. So don't enjoy just the little things- enjoy ALL the things!! They'll disappear before you know it, and then you'll want them back.

Sometimes I think the world is spinning to slowly, but now I know it's spinning perfectly.

Comfort Zones- Safety Nets or Hiding Places?

Change.

I'm sitting here now wondering if I should open this can of worms or not. Is it worth it? Will I just be causing more trouble for myself by putting this out there for the world to read, devour, and tear apart?

Well, I think I've made my decision (I mean, this is posted right now, so I think you probably know what it is)- I'm gonna go for it.

When I think of change, I think of pain. I think of a dark place way outside my comfort zone where I'm alone. No one else is there and no one understands. Eventually, though, as the scene goes on, the sun comes out and I slowly become more comfortable, exploring my new surroundings. With the sun, broken bits of glass on the ground become rainbows of color. Under closer inspection, the cracked sidewalk has wild flowers bursting through to the world above. The scary, siren-like noise that had me covering my ears turns out to be people, laughing and conversing, and music playing. Eventually, when I open myself up to this new world, I enjoy it. I still miss the old world a little, but I become just as content to stay in my new environment. And then the scene shifts again...

This is a never ending cycle for me. I remember a few years ago, I was in this situation in a huge way. Mom had decided to send us to a co-op! (Very pathetic, I know. It was huge in my twelve year old mind, okay? Plus, I was an unsocialized homeschooler, very nerdy (still am), and I'd the one best friend I'd had my entire life was suddenly gone. Very turbulent time for me.) At this co-op, I knew one person, but I was convinced that I wasn't going to fit in. I remember secretly putting on make-up the first morning (thinking back, it must have looked horrible) and getting into a discussion about it with Mom when she found out. That first day at lunch, I didn't want to 'intrude' on the girls who already knew each other so I sat with my family. I geeked about the smallest things because I wanted to be known somehow. Four years later, Shema (my co-op) is my favorite part of the week. My best friends, the most trustworthy counselors and encouragers, are there. I have conversations with many of them throughout the week and they keep me accountable. I would not be where I am today without them. Without the change I would still be at home, unchallenged whatsoever. I shudder to think where I might have been.

So change is a good thing. I mean, think about it. Every good thing that's ever happened to you happened because something changed. (Woah. That's some deep Pinterest knowledge for ya.)

Now, looking forward, I see the peaceful, easy world that I live in now coming to an end. I'm sure I will glance back sometime in the far (okay, maybe not so far. A year or so.) future and laugh at my pathetic-ness about this. But right now, I'm afraid and I want things to stay the way they are. I sit here and try to convince myself that I have everything I need and want right here. Why would I want to uproot myself?

Well here's a question for my thick-headed self- WHY WOULDN'T I?!

That question is just as dumb as the other one, I'm realizing. Why would I be so afraid to give up my comfort if something better was coming? The answer is now simple to me- it's because I haven't given over everything to God. I'm not trusting God completely with everything. I hide in my comfort zone, telling Jesus that I love Him and will do anything for Him, but the moment He reaches to take what's rightfully His, I pull back.

And the crazy part is that I know it's only good that's coming. (Jeremiah 29:11, Romans 8:28) Why is it that I forget the good and only remember the bad? Why is it so hard to remember that God loves me and everything that happens will work for my good and for His glory? I think the whole issue comes back to trust. It's so easy to provide lip service of how much we trust Him, but when push comes to shove, do we? Do we love Him enough to give Him that trust, to hold onto what we have and the life we live so loosely that if He asks us to give up our comfort zone to follow Him, we will? If I don't readily give up my comfortable life here to move a mere hour away, what will I do if He calls me to serve Him far away in another country?

Luke 9:23 "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." Our comfort zone is part of ourselves- it's where we draw the line of what we feel is okay and what seems dangerous or different. This verse clearly says that if we want to follow Him, we have to deny ourselves. As painful and uncomfortable that sounds, that's what the Bible says.

Is your comfort zone holding you back? Are you keeping something from Jesus, the one that gave up everything in order to save you and give you a hope and a future? I know I can and on His strength, that will be fixed.

Difference Maker by NEEDTOBREATHE

What you need to know:

Gorgeous song- Difference Maker by NEEDTOBREATHE- Give it a listen here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L2LtB9KLf98



Meaning behind the song- Take a look at what you are doing and evaluate, "Is this God's plan for my life?" : http://www.newreleasetuesday.com/article.php?article_id=1305


What I think about it:
The whole song is about ambition and control.  Growing up, I always thought ambition was a great and dandy quality.  Ambition meaning 'hard work' and 'determination.'  Turns out that ambition can be unfavorable character quality.  For example, in the movie God's Not Dead, Josh Wheaton's girlfriend was unfavorably ambitious because she was basically dragging him through college to get to her future. She had her own plan, her own agenda, and if anyone messed with her plans she wouldn't give them the time of day.  Not only is this type of ambition rude, it ruins relationships and opportunities. 

Control.  Here's what Bear Rinehart says about ambition and control in the article above,
"Our ambition got in the way and our priorities got in the wrong place, and being on the road and not knowing where we are. At the end of the album, the truth is there, and we've realigned our priorities. That really is the story of what happened to the band over that year. God had a plan for this album. We needed to put our identity into the things that matter in God, rather than in the band." There are things in life that I can't control.  My height.  My age.  My eye color.  Sometimes there are really good reasons why I can't control certain aspects of my life.  There are times I wish I could control everything just so everything would be better.  This was my heart's desire when I was in like 4th grade.  At that age, it became increasingly obvious to me that America was in need of some help.  Of course being my goody-two-shoes-little-girl-who-wants-to-take-on-life-like-a-roaring-lioness self, one particular day, I broke down in sobs asking God, "WHY AM I NOT THE PRESIDENT?"  In my mind, if I were the president, none of these horrible problems would exist. Looking back, it is a very good thing for me, America, and the whole world, that my 4th grader self was not president. I love the astronaut imagery.  We try to be in control of everything we can touch.  Sometimes we even think we are in control of certain things then we get upset when we lose our grip.  Often times, we are just holding on to one thread to keep us alive; like an astronaut exploring space.  

The best thing about ambition and control is that I know who is behind it all.  If I were to want anyone to motivate me when times got tough, to take the lead when I can't and don't know better, I would want God to.  Life is so much better when you know that- the creator of our universe, the beginning and end, my savior and friend, all knowing, all powerful, and loving- God has your best interests at heart and wants to have a relationship with you.  I find it 100% encouraging.  It makes my life have purpose and beauty.  I have incredible hope.  Part of that hope is where I find my identity.  I am so thankful that I don't have to find my identity in clothes, money, fame, sexuality, or beauty.  I am who I am not because of what I've done, but because of what God has done for me.  I find hope and assurance that I can give my life to God and he has a brilliant plan for me; plans that are bigger and better than my dreams. 

What makes me a Difference Maker?  I find my identity in Christ.  He is the Difference Maker. 

______________________________________________________________________

Reilly is a full time intern with Created Equal this summer learning about how to educate perfect strangers and close friends about the value of human life. Her goal this summer is to speak up for those who can't speak up for themselves; the preborn. Earning her online bachelors degree through Liberty University with the help of CollegePlus, Reilly is well on her way to becoming a family counselor. Her interests include: reading, laughing, biking, dreaming, thinking, loving, and how people work.  Her latest obession is mixing coffee with black tea or hot chocolate. She claims the analogy of her ENFJ life is a mirror; reflecting those around her.  She surrounds herself with people she loves and learns from. A few of her favorite words include: fickle, shrubbery, sckedattle, shenanagans, bombdiggity, dofalally, ought, violently, catastrophic, and coff-tea.  You can keep up with her via Pinterest, Facebook, or Google+.  Send her funny stuff, she'll appreciate it. 

Immodest Modesty (For Guys and Girls)

Spring break is wonderful- for the most part.

Then you get the crazy montage of itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny, polka dot bikinis, the super low tank tops and the short shorts that might as well be non-existent, all in preparation for summer. (That was sarcasm. By all means, continue to wear pants) 

As this new season is upon us, so began the chaos of attempting to find a swimsuit that not only covers myself fully, but is also somewhat comfortable, practical, and fashionable. (Haha yeah... what a joke huh?) I had been cringing as I remembered last years struggles, filled with tears, major self-depreciation, and a pitiful attempt at trying to lose weight. Needless to say, I was not a happy camper when I tried on last years suit only to find I didn't fit into it anymore. As Mom and I got in the car to go shopping, I found myself beginning a discussion that would continue to make me think over the next few weeks. 

What is modesty?

Is it merely the clothes that we put (or don't put) on? Or is there something greater at work, something about the way that we view ourselves, others, and God? Could it have something to do with our attitudes? After much thinking, talking to both girl and guy friends, my parents, and God, I finally came to this conclusion.

It is possible to be 'modest' without being modest.

Slightly weird, I know. Bear with me here for a minute while I unload my thought process. 

1. Modesty is a great thing. But where did we get the idea that it was all to do with clothes? Maybe somewhere along the lines of 1 Timothy 2:9-10 where Paul is telling Timothy that he wants women to "dress modestly, with decency and propriety..." Those are both good things- but what if we have a twisted view of modesty? It changes the verse. I decided to do a word search on that word modesty and ended up finding it had an interesting meaning. The other verse containing that word modesty (aidos in greek) had it translated as 'reverence'. This other verse, Hebrews 12:28, has nothing to do with clothing. In fact, Thayer's definition of that word is ' A sense of shame or honour, modesty, bashfulness, reverence, regard for others, respect.' It appears that modesty is not so much the clothes that we put on, but the attitude behind it. 

This makes sense- 1 Samuel 16:7 and Galatians 2:6 speak of how God is focused on our hearts. Never has the focus been on our actions, for we are saved by grace through faith. Our salvation is not based on works, 'so that none may boast'. If modesty were a purely outward thing, it would be boast-able! 

So modesty can be immodest when the focus is on covering ourselves up instead of living for Christ and giving the glory to Him. It doesn't matter how covered up you are- if you're doing it for your own glory or attention (because yes, you can get attention wearing 'modest' clothing- a lot of it!), it doesn't matter. It's immodest. 

I thought that maybe I had figured it out, when the second part of 1 Timothy 2:9-10 got to me. After Paul talks about how he wants women to dress modestly he goes on to say "...not with braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God." (Bold and italics mine for emphasis) Sometimes I think we can get a little messed up in our thinking and say that God doesn't want us to look fashionable (from the first part of the verse). I think where the focus of the verse should be is in the contrast, speaking of good deeds and maybe even our actions in general.  What are we known for? The way we dress (whether good or bad) or what we do for Christ's glory? What we look like or the way that we serve? It can be quite a tough question when you think about it. 

So where does this all fit into our modern sense of modesty- you know, the one that goes along with what we wear? The answer appears to be pretty simple- will the way you dress attract attention or will it cause you to disappear into the crowd, so that your actions done on the strength provided by Christ, may attract attention, causing you to be a shining light to this dark world? 

This can apply to guys too. Although the verse is not specifically written to you, it is still possible to attract ungodly attention because of some 'sweet abs' or hipbones. I'm not saying to cover them up- I'm asking to rethink your attitude. Do you want girls to look at you and go "Wow." or are you focused on bringing glory to God? This is for everyone, too. Are you wearing what you're wearing to flaunt what you've been blessed with? Take a quick attitude check as this new (and wonderful!) season of summer begins.

Back to my swimsuit fiasco story, I ended up finding the perfect suit (Thank you, Jesus!)- one that fit, covered me where I needed to be covered, and made me look like a teenage girl. A swimsuit that wouldn't make me jump out in a crowd, either because of the amount of skin I was showing or the amount of skin that I wasn't. (I've found that wearing a swimsuit that goes down to my knees and cover my shoulders can attract just as much attention as that bikini. In fact, in a world of bikini's, the 'modest', super covering suit draws the eyes of others even more.)

I don't have modesty down perfect yet. By no means think that I do- I have a lot yet to learn! These are just some of my thoughts from personal Bible study and prayer. Let me know your thoughts!

The Dangerous Game

There is a game out there that, in my opinion, is one of the most dangerous and deadly in the world.

This game is affectionately nicknamed the "Compare Game".

Ever heard of it? I'm sure you have. Whether you've played it yourself (which, in complete honesty, I would be very surprised if you haven't, even if it was just subconsciously) or you know someone that does, we've all been touched by it and it's extremely negative consequences.

I find myself very prone to this game. In fact, I've figured out two versions of this game and several different ways to play and I'm going to list them out here- maybe you can relate.

1. The "I'm Not..." Version

 I'm not as pretty as she is. I'm not as close to God as he is. I'm not as smart as they are. Sound familar? This is the game we play when we've failed or we feel upset about something. We focus on the 'not' so good aspects of us and our lives and forget all the good things! This brings us down and we begin to question (consciously or not) whether or not God is sovereign. Then, suddenly, the apparently simple and 'innocent' game becomes so much more, leading to some new ways to play:

-The Pity Party
Not sure this one needs much explaining. The world has turned against you, the sweet innocent you, and everyone is out to get you and to see you fail. I hate to be this harsh, but let's face it- the world does not revolve around you.

-The Hunger Games
Also known as the let-me-starve-myself-until-I-am-a-size-0 or the let-me-change-myself-to-have-everyone-like-me version. This one is especially true for ladies. (Guys, I understand that you also might struggle with size issues, so if you do, keep reading. If you don't, well, keep reading if you want, but know it's not directed toward you.
Girls- I get where you are coming from- I can't fit myself into an extra small anymore (not that I ever could) but that's okay! God has given us the bodies we have for a reason- you are the size you are for a reason!
Guy and Girls- I know it sounds really cliche, but don't change who you are for someone else! I know Ariel may have had a happy ending, but that's just a fairy tale! Sooner or later the real you is going to show- why not embrace it? You don't need to be the most stylish person on the block- chances are that person you want to be like doesn't feel any better about themselves as you do yourself. Remember that your size, shape, personality, and appearance don't matter to the people who are really your friends.

-The Quick End 
Yup, this one's the suicide one. This is really easy to slip into- you feel that you're just not good enough and that no one cares about you at all. You feel worthless and dirty and that it would just be easier to give up. Don't do it! Don't give up! I know from personal experience that it seems like the easy way out, but it's not! God has given us a purpose with our lives, and even though life may be hard now, we are to "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4 Just keep holding on to His Word!

2. The "I Am..." Version

So normally you'd think that "I am" is a lot better than "I'm not". For the most part it is- as long as your focusing on the right things. I am a child of God. I am created in His image with a purpose. I am beautiful in His eyes. Those are the good ones. Then there are the bad ones- I'm so much better than she is. My project the best in the class. I'm not that needy. I struggle with these ones a lot more- when you're doing well or even when you're not and you need a pick-me-up, it's so easy to look down your nose at everyone around you because you need a boost of self-esteem. Although a pick-me-up is normally good, getting it from wrong sources can be detrimental. These can lead to these other ways to play:

-The Pity Party
Yes, this one is possible for both. Because, believe it or not, people will pick up on you looking down on them, and that leaves you with no friends, alone. Bring out the balloons and streamers- it's an automatic pity party. See above for more details.

-The One Man Bandstand
So you're by yourself and maybe that doesn't bug you. Maybe you think to yourself, "Hey, I've got this. Who needs anyone else?" That's a dangerous boat to be in, my friend. Very dangerous. Although we are able to do anything through Christ, by yourself you can do nothing. We are all created with a purpose, and one person's purpose doesn't outweigh another's- even yours. Like it or not, we're all in this together...(When we reach, we can fly, know inside we can make it... haha some of you started singing it ;-)).

In conclusion, even though the Compare Game may have pretty packaging and look like a family favorite to pull out on a boring Friday night, DON'T FALL FOR IT!! Inside the box is heartache, tears, anger, and confusion. Instead, pull out God's Word. It will give you so much more than comparing yourself to others ever would.

Pulled Back Into the Fire

I had my summer all planned out. It was going to be perfect- I was going to put everything I had into 4-H opportunities, be an amazing counselor at 4-H Camp, go on vacation with my family, then come home and be at State Fair for a week. It was literally going to be awesome- the best summer yet.

Of course, I had to make decisions. In order to do so much in 4-H, I had to give up something. That something was...

Youth group.

It wasn't really that hard of a decision. I don't fit in very well in my youth group and in order to be a counselor at 4-H Camp, I have to miss it every now and then due to conflicting meetings anyway.  Besides, the 4-H trip I was set on going on was the same week as Urban Hope (one of the main summer mission trips for highschoolers). It only made sense to just pull out a little more.

I still had to go to youth group on Wednesday nights. Knowing that I wasn't really involved and wasn't going to be during the summer made it hard to have a servants heart toward everyone there. I felt distant and tried not to care too much. "If I can just hold on a little longer," I told myself, "4-H will start again and that's where I feel accepted."

Of course I felt a little tug at my heart when one of my friends asked me if I would go on Urban Hope with her. Or when someone asked me if I would want to apply as a counselor at a church summer camp for middleschoolers. But I just couldn't. I had my summer planned out and feeling rejected and unimportant was not the way that I wanted to spend it. I was going to have fun this summer, and have fun my way. Or so I thought.

Then, this past week, I got a letter that threw a huge wrench into my plans. Suddenly I was staring at an empty summer, tears rolling down my face as all my careful planning fell in shambles around me. It's my own fault. I shouldn't have planned on things that weren't set in stone. Even though I knew it was true, I couldn't help but feel slightly bitter that this was happening.

My mom was extremely compassionate during all of this, giving me some time to myself. But after a while of my throwing my own little pity party, she turned into Edina Mode with her newspaper. "Cassandra, God is trying to teach you something through this. He makes all things for our good, remember? And look, maybe God wants you to go on a summer trip with church this summer-"

"No! I chose 4-H, not youth group!" It finally came out.

Her voice was still soft and gentle, but very firm. "Yes, you chose 4-H, but maybe God didn't. Maybe he doesn't want you to have the easy road out of this. Maybe you don't need 4-H, where you feel comfortable and important. Maybe you need to stop running from the hard things and embrace them, find out what God wants you to learn through it. Maybe God decided you needed to be pulled back in the refining fire."

Ouch ouch ouch. That wasn't what I wanted to hear at all, but it was what I needed. See, I think sometimes we can go through life being so super stubborn about what we want that it takes something drastic for God to show us that we're going the wrong way. I wanted out of the hurt, the pain, the uncomfortable awkwardness of youth group so much that I decided I knew what was best with my summer. (Just as a very important side note- My youth group is not awkward, painful, or exclusive. It was/is all my own selfish desires that caused/is causing my troubles at youth group, not anything that anyone there has done. So yeah, check out HSM Powell/ The Zone on Wednesday nights, 7:8:30. Great stuff happens there. :) ) The plain fact of the matter is, I DON'T but GOD DOES!

I still don't know exactly what's going to happen this summer. All I know is that God has got some pretty great plans in store and I'm super excited to see what He does.

When Wanting to Win Isn't Good Enough

I had to do it. I didn't want to.
My room was warm. The media was calling me. Honestly, I would have been content to stay in bed this morning with a book and hot chocolate, or better yet go back to bed. But I knew I had to get up and run.

I hate physical exercise with a passion, minus a few fun activities such as biking, line dancing, or playing a game or two. Well, that's not completely true. I enjoy its reward and I feel great after I force myself through the torture. I have amazing friends that keep me going and give me support. The problem is actually getting out there in the cold and running.

So I did it (Yay!), and of course now I'm exhausted and filled with new energy.  Then it got me thinking about my hardheadedness- why was it so hard to just do it? Why did I put myself through the heated internal struggle every time?

My mind goes back to when I ran earlier this week. Just go out there and do it. Do it for that feeling afterward. Do it and just focus on finishing. Block out everything but the mailbox. (The equivilant of a starting/finishing line for me) Somewhat eagerly I started out. Guess what.


It didn't work.


Frustrated, exhausted, and defeated I came to a breathless halt half way through my course. Reason? It was too far (It really wasn't. That was just my excuse.) and I lost the desire to finish. This was the thought process, no joke. I can't do this anymore! It's like someone's stabbing at my lungs. My legs are jello. I shouldn't have ran in the first place. And I'm hungry now and dinner's not for another two hours. I'm not that fat anyway, so it can't be that bad.  I wonder if they have any work-out ideas on Pinterest...

Then came along the God's Divine Instruction Manual to show me where I was wrong. Revelation 4:11 "You are worthy, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they were created and have their being."

So that's where I was wrong. Man's purpose in life, my purpose in life, is to bring glory to God, not getting anything for myself. My attitude toward running was the problem. The desire to have the prize, to finish and get the glory for ourselves, is very strong. Sometimes, though, it fails and the reason is because I am not focusing on the truth. Just like marshmallows in a toaster, when I don't work for my purpose to glorify God, things get broken and don't work anymore.

So I ran again today, this time focusing not on the finish line or what was in it for me, but instead choosing to focus on running for Him. Needless to say, it worked.

I ran further than I have in years. 

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28.

What about you? What are some things that aren't working in your life right now? What is something that you can't seem to get right? Maybe try focusing on your real purpose in life, to glorify the King, the one that deserves all glory, honor, and power because he made it all. (Disclaimer-I'm not saying that if something's wrong in your life right now, it's because your focus isn't correct. There are many possible reasons, this is just one of them.) Give it a try. Let me know how it goes.